Three months

My little man,

I really cannot believe that I am sitting here writing to you again. You are three months old today. Where has the time gone, little guy?

Currently you are sound asleep on Uncle Jonfin's bed, sucking on your binky and listening to your favorite white noise app on my phone. Your dad and I have gotten so used to that sound we honestly don't even hear it anymore. haha. But you love it and you sleep so very sweetly to it. Im thankful that we have it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much you have grown this month. You look like my baby now. Not my newborn. You have gotten so very tall and have filled out so nicely. At your two month well visit you weighed 12lbs 10.4oz. I would say you are closer to 14 or 15 at this point. You are growing out of your three month clothes like crazy and the majority of your wardrobe is now 6-9 month clothes. Slow down kid. Your dad and I can't keep up with buying you all new stuff! haha

You are consistently sleeping through the night now, which we love a lot haha. You will sleep from 10:30ish until 6 or 7 am and only wake a few times for your binky. Sometime you surprise us and go until 8 or 9. But that doesnt happen all that often. We also moved you to your crib last week! You werent sleeping so well in your pack n play anymore and were getting too heavy for the elevated add on, so we figured it was time to move you on up! It worked out well because I had gotten your bedding stuff on sale last month so we were ready to go! Daddy put it all together for you and made sure you are safe and sound when you are sleeping. You sleep so well in there and you look so good with all your Mickey stuff. You really seem to like it.

Speaking of Mickey, you have fallen in love with him this month! The bedding I bought for you is Mickey Mouse with a giant M in the middle, because M is for Malachi! And I got you the Mickey, Goofy, Donald and Pluto stuffed toys to go with it! You love laying and playing with them. You also love, love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Its on Disney Junior around the time that you get up each morning and so I put it on for you while you drink your morning bottle and sometimes you smile so big at it that your bottle falls out of your mouth.

You have become so much more aware this month. You can recognize faces and voices. You follow things across the room with your eyes. You know when I am holding you as apposed to someone else. You cry for attention more than you have in the last few months and you have become so much more interactive. You play with your toys and you know which ones are your favorites. You still love your Deer Lovie and you have really taken to your stuffed Pluto. Because you are so much better with holding on to things and playing you also really love Duffy this month. Like a lot. You also started holding and shaking your own rattle this month. And you get the biggest kick out of the sound it makes. You also love when I use your little feet and ninja kick your dad's face with them. You will giggle and giggle.

You are also officially holding up your head on your own. When you are on your tummy you will hold it up and just stare at things and if we sit you up and hold you under your arms you can give us a good five minutes before you are ready for a break. We have been so proud of your milestones this month.

You have also really taken to putting everything, and I mean everything, in your mouth. Toys, hard or stuffed, your fist, my arm. lol. You will just suck away. You really love sucking on your fist. So that along with the drooling are oh so much fun haha!! And you talk so much more. You have really found your voice. You will laugh out loud now and you will have conversations with us with those adorable little noises. I can't wait to hear what you will have to say...

Your little personality has exploded this month. You are so smiley. You love love love to kick and play and smile at just about everything and everyone. You are so curious. You will stare at something new for a few minutes and never look away. I think you get that from your daddy. You also flirt with the ladies now haha. You do this little smile shoulder shrugg thing that melts my heart every time. You will mimic faces and you giggle now. A rolling giggle. Its my favorite sound in the world I think. Aside from hearing your dad tell me he loves me... that giggle wins for sure.

You also took your first road trip this past weekend! We made it all the way to Washington DC, met your Auntie Bekah and Aunt Ashe and Uncle Aric and stayed in a hotel! We had so much fun exploring the city with you and you were such a good boy. You travel much better during times when you normally sleep, so thats a good lesson learned, but you really did great buddy. And your aunts and uncle were so excited to finally meet you!

Malachi you are so incredible. Each and every day is a new adventure with you. The wonder in your eyes shows me the beauty in this world and its because of you that I have a purpose each day when I get up and each night that I go to sleep. The love that I have for you is unexplainable. I never knew that I could love someone so deeply. You have stolen my heart little boy. And I wouldnt have it any other way.

You are growing so fast, little man. Each day you look just a little different than the day before. Sometimes it makes me sad, but then I think of all the fun that lies ahead of us and I can't hardly wait to experience each stage of your beautiful little life. There is so much adventure out there waiting for us. Let's find it together buddy.

Happy Three Months, my little one.

All my love,
Your Mama

You are worth every mark, every scar.

Pregnancy was not easy on my body. Its not easy on anyone's body I suppose.

 

We started this journey nearly a year ago and since then my body has gone from what I once recognized as my size 6 self to a vague resemblance of what it once was. You see, I was extremely sick my first 13 weeks. And after trying everything on the planet to make the sickness stop, we discovered that psi bands and eating constantly were the only two things that worked. Well, when your body adjusts to eating that much and your hormones are having a party, that habit sticks around for the nine months and 1 week that that small human is growing on the inside of you. I was also blessed with my mother's genes and I carry like a torpedo off of the front of me. In the 41 and a half weeks that I was pregnant, I stretched more than I thought was humanly possible. I have that amazing skin that likes to show its elasticity through those beautiful stretch marks and now it seems when I look in the mirror, I see a shadow of what my body once was.

In one year I have gained 70 lbs and have lost 37.

Malachi; (noun) - messenger of God

That in and of it self, makes it all worth it.

Labor was a miserable experience. After 54 hours of painful inconsistent contractions, a night of constant monitoring and a baby that liked to run from the monitors, an induction that hurt so bad I sincerely thought I might die, an epidural and a baby that didn't respond well to Pitocin, a husband who kept all of the terrifying things happening around me a secret and stretched the truth just enough to keep me calm, and an emergency c-section, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world.

And in the moment, it was all worth it.

Recovery after a c-section is a painful experience. I couldn't even lift my legs to wash my feet in the shower for the first two weeks. I had never been more humbled to ask for help in my entire life as I was in the weeks following my delivery. My husband has been my hero since the day I met him, but when Malachi was born, I realized why. I was sore, and tired, I was still nursing and felt the faint shadow of postpartum depression creeping up on me. But when that little face looked up at me and smiled that gummy, beautiful little smile, I remembered what my body had just done.

 

And I remembered why it was all worth it.

My body is a constant reminder that I am powerful beyond words. I did something so miraculous and so amazing. I created life. So when I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, or I wish I could fit into at least something resembling cute or fashionable, I just remind myself of the beauty that I just created and I go where I go with confidence. Because when I look into that little boys eyes, I am so reminded of the beauty that I posses. Not so long ago, we were one. Mine was the first voice that he ever knew, my heart beat was the first sound he recognized. I am his whole world.

And that right there makes it all worth it.

So these stretch marks that line my stomach and my thighs aren't scars, they are bragging rights to the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. One mark for every kick and tumble and roll. One mark for every hiccup. One mark for every day that I held you so very close to my heart.

More than worth it.

This pouch of skin on my stomach isn't an inconvenience, it was once home to my precious little boy. It kept him warm and it kept him safe from the world until my arms could do so. This scar that stretches across my belly isn't something to be embarrassed of. It is how my body made way for my precious Malachi to come into this world. My stomach may still look 5 months pregnant and my maternity jeans may still be the only ones that fit, but when those little eyes look up at me and that little cry tells me that I am his whole world and that he depends on me for each and every thing that he needs?

In that moment, its all worth it.

Malachi, you are worth every mark, every scar. You are worth it. You are worth it all.

So to all you moms out there that look in the mirror and don't like what you see staring back, remember that your body is a beautiful thing and that you are powerful. Your body created life. And one day, your body will resemble what it once was. Just remember that your precious baby thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world. You are their first love. Their safe place. You're are more than enough.

You are worth more than you know.

Two months...

My precious little man,

So today you are a whole two months old. I cannot even believe that I am saying that. You are growing so fast, but so very perfectly. The difference that a month makes is crazy to me. You are just getting so stinking big!

Your personality has exploded this month. You have become so interactive. Your smile has made itself known (except when Im trying to get a picture of it. Then its non existent)! And it is the cutest and most precious thing in the entire world. You smile in response to being smiled at. Mornings are your most smiley time of day. You wake up in just the happiest of moods. You lay in your bed and stare at your mobile and just coo and smile the morning away. Coming over to greet you each morning is my favorite time of day. That little face knows me so well. And it melts my heart. Your smile is contagious.

You have found your voice! You just coo and giggle like crazy. Your actual laugh started just in the last three days. But you get so excited and that little laugh just comes out plain as day. That giggle reminds me of whats actually important in life. But as much as you giggle, man can you cry. Those little lungs sure do work good. You are such an easy baby, unless your hungry or gassy. Then we know you're there and there is no ignoring you. Not at all. We love Gripe Water this month. And rides in the car. Both have saved our butts on several occasions.

You found your hand. Just the right one. And you chew on it. You sometimes prefer it to your binky. You also kick your feet up in to the fetal position and just kind of chill there. Its pretty stinking adorable. You still sleep with your hands above your hear or directly out to the sides of you. The swaddling season has well past. Im not sad about it. It means you can sleep anywhere and doing pretty much anything. You definitely got my feet. You can pinch with your toes. I think its cute. Your future wife will hate it ;)

You also stick your tongue out now. You will play with us with your new trick. We stick our tongue out at you and you'll do it right back.  That tongue is accompanied by a lot of drool and spit bubbles. As gross as it sounds, its adorable.

You take playing very seriously. There is no half way with you my man. You get that from your daddy. You still love that kick and play piano mat. It sure does get some great use. To whoever bought that for us, thank you haha! But you will just kick and play with your friends for hours at a time. You play with the most intense little look on your face. Your mat has a mirror in the center of it and you have discovered your reflection. I dont think you have a clue that you are looking at yourself in that mirror, but you know its a baby in there. If we ask you where that baby is, you will look right in the mirror and smile :)

You love colors this month. Everything about colors. If its bright you will stare at it very intently, You can tell that your little mind is just trying so hard to figure out what the heck you are looking at. You also love to stare at pictures. You are beginning to recognize people and their voices. Your eyesight has also gotten so good! You follow people as they walk across a room and if you hear something you look right in the direction its coming from. You are so smart it just blows me away sometimes. Your favorite toy this month is definitely your Deer lovie. It is the cutest little blanket attached to a stuffed deer that Uncle Jonfin bought you last Christmas. You hold on to that thing so tight when you nap in your carseat. It melts my heart.

You are beautiful, Malachi. Everything about you. You are so gentle. You love being talked to softly, and you love being held. You just melt into me and my heart just about explodes. Those bright blue eyes can see right through you. They see things that we can only dream about. You have your daddy's smile, and you sometimes cry just because you want to know someone's there. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. You are worth every second of those 54 hours of labor. I would do it again tomorrow if I had to.

Malachi, you are called to such greatness. Your name means messenger of God. And I believe with everything in me that that is exactly what you are going to be. You will help to heal the hurting and the sick. You will show people the love of Jesus, and not by saying a word. Just by being the sweet, soft, gentle person that you are. And I promise when the time comes, I will let you go. Because the world needs you just as much as I do. I promise that I will raise you to be a Godly man who will love Jesus every day of his life. And more than anything, I promise to always be your friend. Nothing you do will ever make me love you less.

You are my favorite person in this world. Never forget that. I love you, little boy.

All my love,
Mama

One Month...

My sweet, sweet Malachi,

I cannot even believe that you are one month old today. The last 4 weeks have gone so very quickly and you have changed so very much. But the image of your little face is forever burned into my mind.

As I sit here writing this letter to you, you are fast asleep on your playmat, all played out. That face you make when you sleep takes my breath away every time. Sitting here I cannot believe that God gave me you. I dont know what I did to deserve it, but I have never been more thankful for something in my life

You getting here was an experience to say the very least. You knew how you wanted to come and thats exactly how you came. And you came with that incredible little smile on your face and those aware little eyes. And from that very first moment, you had stolen my heart and ran away with it. When we found out that we were having a boy I was terrified because I know nothing about little boys. I had no idea how I was going to figure you out and relate to you. But oh my, little man, I couldnt imagine our life any other way. I want to spend every minute with you. And I can't wait to see what adventures we will find together. You're my best buddy.

You have the most beautiful baby skin. And it smells just to perfectly baby. You have this adorable baby acne on your face. It started on your forehead and has made its way down to your eyelids and your cheeks. Youve had a blocked tearduct for the last week or so we have to have Dr. Golden check that one out. You're hair is this precious golden blonde color, and it sticks straight up off of your head. Its the cutest thing. You're eyes are bright blue and can see straight through you. I really cannot wait to hear all about the things that you see.

You are so very strong. You have been holding your head up for a few seconds on your own since you were 3 days old. You love holding our fingers and the last few days you have started grabbing on to my shirt when I hold you. You are so very active. You love your kick and play mat. You have figured out how to kick your legs and you play music on your piano. You love to play.

You make the best faces. You cross your eyes and you love to stare at me and your daddy. You recognize our voices and it might be the most precious thing in the world. You love to listen to your daddy sing. And you are so aware of music and sounds. You sleep so much better to music and sounds than you do without them.

You love to eat. We made the switch from nursing to formula about a week and half ago. And it was quite the adjustment. You spent your first night in the emergency room because your belly just really didnt like the new formula we started with. But we have slowly gotten the hang of it. We have gotten back up to the times and amounts that you should be having at this age so that is a major accomplishment. We are loving the bottle feedings though. It has been so nice to just be able to go out and feed you when you are hungry. Figuring out how to heat them up when we are out has been a major task though. We are getting the hang of it all though. No worries. You will always be fed my little one. Always.

You have found your voice over the last two weeks. You know how to cry very very loudly haha. But that little voice of yours says so much. You have such a precious personality and we are so in love with you, my precious Malachi.

You are such a blessing to us and you will never know what you and your beautiful little self means to us. We have waited and prayed for you my little man, and you are more than we could have ever hoped or prayed for. You have such a very big call on your life, my little prophet, and we are so excited to see where this life takes you. But don't grow up too fast. We need every single minute with you, to build memories and to remember your little face by. I cannot wait to see what adventures your little life will hold and all the adventures we will find together. I never knew that my heart could love something so very much. You are our favorite person in the whole wide world. Never forget that.

All my love,
Your Mama

Malachi: Fashionably late, but so worth the wait.

So first of all, I apologize for the lack of bumpdates past week 35. The last month of pregnancy kicked my butt. I was large, uncomfortable, swollen and past my due date. I was not in the mood to tell anybody anything about what was going on let alone to have my picture taken. I know at some point I may look back and regret that, but it is what it is.


Now that we have covered that, lets tell a birth story.

First of all, lets talk about his name. Now we announced several months back that we were naming our little guy Rylan. And at that time, we had every intention of doing so. It was a name that Nic and I both agreed on and we both really liked it. According to Auntie Bekah, it was a studly name haha. But about a month ago, God really just started working in my heart about the name of our son. We have received a few different prophetic words over our little man about who he is and what he will become. We believe that God has big plans for this little man, and we felt that his name needed to reflect that. Rylan is a beautiful name, but it means "man from the land of rye". At some point, our son will google the meaning of his name. Thats not the meaning that we want him to find. So we began to look at the things that we have been praying over our son since we found our that we were expecting. We have prayed boldness, joy and a prophetic voice. We have prayed a loving heart, and no fear in the face of the world. We have prayed that this little boy will love the Lord all the days of his life and that as we train him up in the way he should go, when he is old he will never depart from it. We have prayed that his life will be a testimony to the goodness of God's grace and that as he goes into the nations that they will never be the same. We have prayed greatness upon him. And we knew that when we called him by name, we needed to speak those things into existence. Calling him the man from the land of rye just wasnt what we wanted to speak over his life haha. So we began to look for a name that spoke those things over his life. We looked through all of our name books again. We searched the internet, and the bible and we decided that Malachi was everything that we wanted our son to be and more. It speaks greatness over him and we just knew. His name is Malachi. It always has been.

So everyone has this fantasy of what their birth experience will be like. Myself included. I expected to go into labor, try for a natural birth, push my heart out and end with a beautiful baby in my arms. This was most certainly not the case. On Monday the 3rd, around 4:45am, I started having regular contractions. They were far apart, but they were consistent. We started timing them over the course of the day. And come 2:00pm they were a consistent 5 minutes apart. We took the half hour drive to the hospital and got things rolling. They hooked me up to the monitors in triage and starting timing things. They got me up and sent me walking through the halls. We walked and walked for about an hour and then hooked me back up to see what kind of progress Ive made. Turned out I made no progress at all. And my contractions slowed themselves down instead of speeding up. So the doctor left it up to me whether or not I wanted to labor there or go home. The very rude charge nurse basically said go home, so we went to the Olive Garden haha. And hoped the night would hold some progress. Well, the contractions got harder and more painful through the night, but became completely inconsistent. 12 minutes, 8 minutes, 32 minutes, 45 minutes, 2 minutes 3 minutes. You name a time and it was one of our intervals that day. Well come 24 hours from the time we had previously been in the hospital I was at my witts end. I called in and talked to the on call doctor and she was so sweet and completely understood my pain and frustration. She told me to go ahead and come in and that they would give me something to keep my comfortable through the night and then induce me in the morning if progress hadnt been made at that point. So we did just that. We went in through triage again, and they admitted me for good that time. They moved us into our LDR room and got me completely hooked up and set for the night. They administered cervidil to try and get my cervix to fully thin and to start my progress. I took that through the night and just tried to get some rest. Little man was being as stubborn as ever though. They were trying to get his heart rate on the monitor and he kept running away. The nurse came in every half hour through the night trying to find his heartbeat because he had moved. So that made for a long night. But come 6 am they removed the cervidil and let me get up and shower and get myself ready for the adventure this day would hold. At 8ish the doctor came in and said that I hadnt made progress as they had hoped through the night and that I was still 2 days ahead of when they would normally induce so there was a chance I would be heading home again. I lost it at that moment. Completely. But Nic, my wonderful amazing Godsend of a husband, talked me down and got me on the right track again. The doctor decided to go ahead and start the Petocin and just see if we would make some progress. Well that stuff kicked in, and let me tell you. It worked. I went from 2 cm to 6 cm within an hour and they ruptured my membranes. Man did that one hurt. Like holy crap Im gunna die hurt. So they called for the anesthesiologist and got me my epidural. I cried through that one like holy wow, but the sweetest of nurses got me through it and I was a different person come the end of that procedure.

I was resting comfortably and even laughing with my family. They were wanting me to get some sleep to build up for the pushing that was to come, so my nurse Candy came in to check little man's heart rate. She turned me on my side in an attempt to get him to drop, but when they did his heart rate dropped. Drastically. And the beauty of that? Nic didnt tell me. I could hear it slowdown on the monitor but he just kept telling me he was fine and that it was still in that normal range. Apparently in these big situations its okay to go around the truth a bit to keep me from completely losing it haha. My doctor came back in and looked at my feed and saw that little man was not responding well to the petocin at all. Every time I would contract, his heart rate was dive. Doctor Mackay said he would be right back and when he returned he said that they were going to need to do an emergency csection. They didnt want to risk little man's safety by letting me try and finish laboring. Again, I panicked. And Nic got me in the right mindset, and ready to go. I had spent most of my pregnancy fearing a csection. I hated the very idea of it. I blame it on watching way too much "A Baby Story" as a child. But either way, I was terrified. So the nurses came in in swarms and started prepping me for my little man to arrive in a very unexpected way. My brother called me in the process and prayed for me in only the way that my brother can and helped to calm me down. They got Nic dressed in his scrubs and ready to go and within a half hour we were on our way into the operating room. The left Nic outside the room and got my strapped in and prepped and got things started, and this is where it got interesting haha. Because I was so fearful of it I was already on edge going into it. And because I had already had an epidural, they couldnt give me a full spinal. They just added more numbing meds to the drip I already had going, plus a whole lot of Morphine haha. But because they didnt do a full spinal, I could feel what was going on behind that giant drape. they claimed it should have just been pressure, but no sir. I felt what was happening. Well, three days of labor and pain built up and exploded at that moment. I hyperventilated. Yup. Loudly. And painfully. Luckily I had the sweetest anesthesiologists in the whole world that stopped everything and gave me the happy twilight medicine that made me calm down and breathe. Now this happy drug made me think that I was asleep, but according to my husband I was having a great conversation with everyone around me and was unbelievably talkative, which is hard to believe because if you know me at all you know that I dont talk to anyone ever. haha. My favorite doctor apparently came in to assist and I got very excited and had a conversation with her. Nic showed me a picture of Malachi three times before I finally remembered seeing it.  I fell asleep for 45 seconds and thought that I slept through the entire procedure. It was an adventure to say the least.

 When I finally came to, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world. My little man was crying the sweetest little cry. After what felt like an eternity, they finally brought him over to me and that little face stole my heart from the very first moment. As soon as he heard me talking he stopped crying and he looked right at me. Ill never be the same after that moment. They handed him to Nic and that little face locked on his voice and at that moment everything changed. We became a family of three. Life would never be the same. 54 hours and an emergency surgery, and it was worth every single minute of it. He was worth every single minute of it.

And that is how it happened friends. The next three days were a marathon of healing and bonding with this beautiful little person. It was such an amazing experience and I wouldnt have wanted to experience this with anyone other Nicolas. We made it through every obstacle, three days of labor and pain, and have learned to love and take care of this little person hand in hand. It has been worth every sleepless night, frustrated feeding and cry filled moment. This has been the most beautiful season that Nic and I have been through. And I never realized how much I loved that man until I saw the way that he loves this little boy. He is jealous for time with him. He holds him so close and keeps him so safe. He changes his diapers, feeds him his bottles and takes charge in every situation. He has encouraged me through the ups and downs of the emotions of postpartum and has made me feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. And I really am. This life just became so much more beautiful than I ever thought it could.

Until next time...