We started this journey nearly a year ago and since then my body has gone from what I once recognized as my size 6 self to a vague resemblance of what it once was. You see, I was extremely sick my first 13 weeks. And after trying everything on the planet to make the sickness stop, we discovered that psi bands and eating constantly were the only two things that worked. Well, when your body adjusts to eating that much and your hormones are having a party, that habit sticks around for the nine months and 1 week that that small human is growing on the inside of you. I was also blessed with my mother's genes and I carry like a torpedo off of the front of me. In the 41 and a half weeks that I was pregnant, I stretched more than I thought was humanly possible. I have that amazing skin that likes to show its elasticity through those beautiful stretch marks and now it seems when I look in the mirror, I see a shadow of what my body once was.
In one year I have gained 70 lbs and have lost 37.
Malachi; (noun) - messenger of God
That in and of it self, makes it all worth it.
Labor was a miserable experience. After 54 hours of painful inconsistent contractions, a night of constant monitoring and a baby that liked to run from the monitors, an induction that hurt so bad I sincerely thought I might die, an epidural and a baby that didn't respond well to Pitocin, a husband who kept all of the terrifying things happening around me a secret and stretched the truth just enough to keep me calm, and an emergency c-section, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world.
And in the moment, it was all worth it.
Recovery after a c-section is a painful experience. I couldn't even lift my legs to wash my feet in the shower for the first two weeks. I had never been more humbled to ask for help in my entire life as I was in the weeks following my delivery. My husband has been my hero since the day I met him, but when Malachi was born, I realized why. I was sore, and tired, I was still nursing and felt the faint shadow of postpartum depression creeping up on me. But when that little face looked up at me and smiled that gummy, beautiful little smile, I remembered what my body had just done.
And I remembered why it was all worth it.
My body is a constant reminder that I am powerful beyond words. I did something so miraculous and so amazing. I created life. So when I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, or I wish I could fit into at least something resembling cute or fashionable, I just remind myself of the beauty that I just created and I go where I go with confidence. Because when I look into that little boys eyes, I am so reminded of the beauty that I posses. Not so long ago, we were one. Mine was the first voice that he ever knew, my heart beat was the first sound he recognized. I am his whole world.
And that right there makes it all worth it.
So these stretch marks that line my stomach and my thighs aren't scars, they are bragging rights to the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. One mark for every kick and tumble and roll. One mark for every hiccup. One mark for every day that I held you so very close to my heart.
More than worth it.
This pouch of skin on my stomach isn't an inconvenience, it was once home to my precious little boy. It kept him warm and it kept him safe from the world until my arms could do so. This scar that stretches across my belly isn't something to be embarrassed of. It is how my body made way for my precious Malachi to come into this world. My stomach may still look 5 months pregnant and my maternity jeans may still be the only ones that fit, but when those little eyes look up at me and that little cry tells me that I am his whole world and that he depends on me for each and every thing that he needs?
In that moment, its all worth it.
Malachi, you are worth every mark, every scar. You are worth it. You are worth it all.
So to all you moms out there that look in the mirror and don't like what you see staring back, remember that your body is a beautiful thing and that you are powerful. Your body created life. And one day, your body will resemble what it once was. Just remember that your precious baby thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world. You are their first love. Their safe place. You're are more than enough.
You are worth more than you know.
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