You are worth every mark, every scar.

Pregnancy was not easy on my body. Its not easy on anyone's body I suppose.

 

We started this journey nearly a year ago and since then my body has gone from what I once recognized as my size 6 self to a vague resemblance of what it once was. You see, I was extremely sick my first 13 weeks. And after trying everything on the planet to make the sickness stop, we discovered that psi bands and eating constantly were the only two things that worked. Well, when your body adjusts to eating that much and your hormones are having a party, that habit sticks around for the nine months and 1 week that that small human is growing on the inside of you. I was also blessed with my mother's genes and I carry like a torpedo off of the front of me. In the 41 and a half weeks that I was pregnant, I stretched more than I thought was humanly possible. I have that amazing skin that likes to show its elasticity through those beautiful stretch marks and now it seems when I look in the mirror, I see a shadow of what my body once was.

In one year I have gained 70 lbs and have lost 37.

Malachi; (noun) - messenger of God

That in and of it self, makes it all worth it.

Labor was a miserable experience. After 54 hours of painful inconsistent contractions, a night of constant monitoring and a baby that liked to run from the monitors, an induction that hurt so bad I sincerely thought I might die, an epidural and a baby that didn't respond well to Pitocin, a husband who kept all of the terrifying things happening around me a secret and stretched the truth just enough to keep me calm, and an emergency c-section, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world.

And in the moment, it was all worth it.

Recovery after a c-section is a painful experience. I couldn't even lift my legs to wash my feet in the shower for the first two weeks. I had never been more humbled to ask for help in my entire life as I was in the weeks following my delivery. My husband has been my hero since the day I met him, but when Malachi was born, I realized why. I was sore, and tired, I was still nursing and felt the faint shadow of postpartum depression creeping up on me. But when that little face looked up at me and smiled that gummy, beautiful little smile, I remembered what my body had just done.

 

And I remembered why it was all worth it.

My body is a constant reminder that I am powerful beyond words. I did something so miraculous and so amazing. I created life. So when I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, or I wish I could fit into at least something resembling cute or fashionable, I just remind myself of the beauty that I just created and I go where I go with confidence. Because when I look into that little boys eyes, I am so reminded of the beauty that I posses. Not so long ago, we were one. Mine was the first voice that he ever knew, my heart beat was the first sound he recognized. I am his whole world.

And that right there makes it all worth it.

So these stretch marks that line my stomach and my thighs aren't scars, they are bragging rights to the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. One mark for every kick and tumble and roll. One mark for every hiccup. One mark for every day that I held you so very close to my heart.

More than worth it.

This pouch of skin on my stomach isn't an inconvenience, it was once home to my precious little boy. It kept him warm and it kept him safe from the world until my arms could do so. This scar that stretches across my belly isn't something to be embarrassed of. It is how my body made way for my precious Malachi to come into this world. My stomach may still look 5 months pregnant and my maternity jeans may still be the only ones that fit, but when those little eyes look up at me and that little cry tells me that I am his whole world and that he depends on me for each and every thing that he needs?

In that moment, its all worth it.

Malachi, you are worth every mark, every scar. You are worth it. You are worth it all.

So to all you moms out there that look in the mirror and don't like what you see staring back, remember that your body is a beautiful thing and that you are powerful. Your body created life. And one day, your body will resemble what it once was. Just remember that your precious baby thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world. You are their first love. Their safe place. You're are more than enough.

You are worth more than you know.

Two months...

My precious little man,

So today you are a whole two months old. I cannot even believe that I am saying that. You are growing so fast, but so very perfectly. The difference that a month makes is crazy to me. You are just getting so stinking big!

Your personality has exploded this month. You have become so interactive. Your smile has made itself known (except when Im trying to get a picture of it. Then its non existent)! And it is the cutest and most precious thing in the entire world. You smile in response to being smiled at. Mornings are your most smiley time of day. You wake up in just the happiest of moods. You lay in your bed and stare at your mobile and just coo and smile the morning away. Coming over to greet you each morning is my favorite time of day. That little face knows me so well. And it melts my heart. Your smile is contagious.

You have found your voice! You just coo and giggle like crazy. Your actual laugh started just in the last three days. But you get so excited and that little laugh just comes out plain as day. That giggle reminds me of whats actually important in life. But as much as you giggle, man can you cry. Those little lungs sure do work good. You are such an easy baby, unless your hungry or gassy. Then we know you're there and there is no ignoring you. Not at all. We love Gripe Water this month. And rides in the car. Both have saved our butts on several occasions.

You found your hand. Just the right one. And you chew on it. You sometimes prefer it to your binky. You also kick your feet up in to the fetal position and just kind of chill there. Its pretty stinking adorable. You still sleep with your hands above your hear or directly out to the sides of you. The swaddling season has well past. Im not sad about it. It means you can sleep anywhere and doing pretty much anything. You definitely got my feet. You can pinch with your toes. I think its cute. Your future wife will hate it ;)

You also stick your tongue out now. You will play with us with your new trick. We stick our tongue out at you and you'll do it right back.  That tongue is accompanied by a lot of drool and spit bubbles. As gross as it sounds, its adorable.

You take playing very seriously. There is no half way with you my man. You get that from your daddy. You still love that kick and play piano mat. It sure does get some great use. To whoever bought that for us, thank you haha! But you will just kick and play with your friends for hours at a time. You play with the most intense little look on your face. Your mat has a mirror in the center of it and you have discovered your reflection. I dont think you have a clue that you are looking at yourself in that mirror, but you know its a baby in there. If we ask you where that baby is, you will look right in the mirror and smile :)

You love colors this month. Everything about colors. If its bright you will stare at it very intently, You can tell that your little mind is just trying so hard to figure out what the heck you are looking at. You also love to stare at pictures. You are beginning to recognize people and their voices. Your eyesight has also gotten so good! You follow people as they walk across a room and if you hear something you look right in the direction its coming from. You are so smart it just blows me away sometimes. Your favorite toy this month is definitely your Deer lovie. It is the cutest little blanket attached to a stuffed deer that Uncle Jonfin bought you last Christmas. You hold on to that thing so tight when you nap in your carseat. It melts my heart.

You are beautiful, Malachi. Everything about you. You are so gentle. You love being talked to softly, and you love being held. You just melt into me and my heart just about explodes. Those bright blue eyes can see right through you. They see things that we can only dream about. You have your daddy's smile, and you sometimes cry just because you want to know someone's there. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. You are worth every second of those 54 hours of labor. I would do it again tomorrow if I had to.

Malachi, you are called to such greatness. Your name means messenger of God. And I believe with everything in me that that is exactly what you are going to be. You will help to heal the hurting and the sick. You will show people the love of Jesus, and not by saying a word. Just by being the sweet, soft, gentle person that you are. And I promise when the time comes, I will let you go. Because the world needs you just as much as I do. I promise that I will raise you to be a Godly man who will love Jesus every day of his life. And more than anything, I promise to always be your friend. Nothing you do will ever make me love you less.

You are my favorite person in this world. Never forget that. I love you, little boy.

All my love,
Mama